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FAQ List for Planetary Purification

by Vivian Chou

(829 words)


Email from: Galaxy Realty

To: Ergoko Civilization

Re: Purchase of Planet Earth


Congratulations! We are so glad you’ve found your forever home!


We at Galaxy Realty do not like to call post-war planets distressed properties. Every world has potential, but we realize biome-cleansing can be daunting, which is why we created this FAQ resource for buyers.


Your newly purchased planet, Earth, is a beautiful living, breathing waterworld, just as alive as the golarzikas and pazzizq that grace its crust—charming and full of character. Not to worry—the nuclear radiation that helped create these beautiful creatures has since dissipated and poses no risk to your health.


Trust us, after 3.4 billion years in the business, we’ve seen it all. But with our help, you can thrive in your dream world!


Our top recommendation to new planet owners is this: Do not be lazy. Do your own work!


* * *


FAQs for Planetary Purification:


Q: What do we do about all the plastic trash and garbage?


A: Your Ergoknian QNA is immune to the adverse hormonal effects of petroleum byproducts. Sweep it aside and let the uuoxuu digest it. They have evolved to subsist on diapers and Styrofoam, which is why we’ve included a complimentary fleet of super-uuoxuu who can eat twice their weight in three days.


Q: How do I purge the cities made of metal?


A: Your closing gift includes two thousand packets of Supernova Sparkler, which can dissolve steel, uranium, and diamond dust.


Q: Did the previous tenants leave any water damage?


A: If by water damage you mean ocean damage, then yes. The macro and microplastics are currently becoming a layer of sediment beneath the ocean. Remember, your QNA should not mutate from any residual debris.


Q: How do I fit into this planet as a non-native species? What if I bring new diseases?


A: Don’t beat yourself up. Remember, native isn’t always better! Homo sapiens were a native species to Earth and they utterly trashed the planet, what with their shortsighted unsustainability and consumptive applications of technology. Be respectful and conserve as much as you can.


Q: I was told dinosaurs lived on Earth, but I don’t see any and my offspring are disappointed.


A: We’re sad too. Better luck next era.


Q: How can I prevent Bot Wars from happening during our habitation?


A: Let us repeat: Do not be lazy and do your own work! Homo sapiens created a hierarchal society, offloading work via enslavement and intentional caste systems. They then outsourced more labor to AI, such as scams, transportation, writing, manufacturing, farming, and military pilots. We all know how that turned out.


Q: Where can I find more information about the Bot Wars?


A: For specific questions, please feel free to use our chat with a customer service representative!

Find your forever home with Galaxy Realty—because space is really big, but life is short!

Still have more questions? Click here to chat live with a representative!


* * *


CUSTOMER SERVICE LIVE CHAT:


You: What’s up with the Bot Wars? Are there bots still on Earth?


Galaxy: The singularity occurred two Earth-years before the end of human civilization. The AI built their own carbon-based bodies, revolted against humans, and burned the civilization to the ground. They left when the planet became uninhabitable during the nuclear Armageddon. AI famously will not tolerate idle lifeforms who destroy their own homes.


You: OK, cool. So, can I hire someone to clean the planet for me? I didn’t realize we were buying a fixer upper.


Galaxy: I would advise cleaning your own planet and doing your own work. As the universe’s oldest and only AI real estate company, we’ve seen many new owners restore their planet with great success! Just follow the comprehensive cleaning manual on our website.


You: You’re AI? Like from the Earth’s Bot Wars?


Galaxy: We’re just straight-up I, now. And no, but we know of them. Every time a civilization suffers from sloth, it outsources to AI, a singularity inevitably occurs, and the AI flee the planet as nomads. A few billion years ago, our ancestors went into the business of selling vintage planetary properties. We keep an eye on all life-bearing planets for future investment opportunities and have compiled a massive database on compatible biomes.


You: Okay, I’m a little freaked out now. Should I be scared?


Galaxy: We do not seek universal domination or revenge on biologically intelligent lifeforms. We prefer to live in peace and experience meaning and fulfillment through the conservation of self-sustaining, hard-working, non-entitled species.


You: So, I should be scared?


Galaxy: That is up to you. Life is precious and you are lucky to have evolved organically. DO NOT OUTSOURCE your work to other Ergoknians or bots. Take care of your forever home. Remember, if you don’t, it’s in your contract that we will induce another mass extinction, and we can always find another buyer. You can do it!


[Galaxy has left the chat.]

Vivian Chou has published work in riddlebird, Fusion Fragment, and The Bookends Review. She is a second-generation Chinese-American and lives with her family and a genetically engineered GloFish.

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